i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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