Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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