I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
