What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
