I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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