Rock
Scissors
Fuck
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
