Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
