I hate all girls vehemently.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
