We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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