I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
