I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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