Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
