I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
