Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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