apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
