come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
