He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
