Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
