I cannot find my penis.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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