I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
