i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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