when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
