I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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