Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
