Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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