Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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