thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
