i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
