how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
