A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
