did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This house was built for laser tag.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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