he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
