literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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