I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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