I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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