I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
