I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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