he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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