she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
