I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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