bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
