it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
