my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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