the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
