Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
