Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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