He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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