Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
