That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
