my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
