i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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