Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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