Her vagina should come with caution tape.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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