My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
