the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
