i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Green mimosas i think yes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
